So You Want to Try a Threesome…

One of my favorite old BritComs is Coupling (sort of the British Friends). In one of the episodes the highly sexed Patrick announces that he is going to dump his girlfriend of the moment because she is too naive. She ruled out a threesome at the first mention of one! Patrick insists that threesomes don’t really happen, they are just a fantasy that a woman must prolong up until the point she has a baby.

So, okay, looking beyond the misogynism and stereotypes here, the show does highlight the common fantasy of threesomes and the belief of many people that these are not a thing most people ever get to experience. For many people, threesomes are relegated to the fantasy world of porn or Cinamax and HBO. But wait! They are real and it is possible to have a non-awkward threeway encounter where everyone has fun! (stay with me)

Fantasy vs. Reality

The fantasy threesome as portrayed in most media occurs without much negotiation or thought. Often the third party is a surprise for one of the members of an established couple. After a few initial moments of hesitation, the three people fall into a night of ecstasy. That is not how a good/non-awkward threesome happens.

You need to communicate with your primary partner (the first partner you discuss the threesome with for our purposes) about your needs and desires. If you and your primary partner are actual romantic partners (dating, married, long term relationship) this is especially important. For those of us coming from a monogamous culture, not experienced with polyamory or non-monogamy, we often hold unexpressed expectations around sex which are challenged by a threesome.

If you are in a relationship where you do not discuss sex and sexual needs often, this can be a difficult conversation to have. However, you have to have it in order to have a good threeway.

Don’t expect the first person you think about to join you and your partner to be “the one.” They may be very interested. They may only have expressed interest in one of you. They may not know you think about them in a sexual manner. Avoid objectifying the person you and your primary are fantasizing about in the run up to asking this person. Do not get so involved with your fantasy about this third person you forget they are a person with needs and feelings too!

Set Expectations

Before you approach a third party to join you, work with your primary partner to set expectations and any boundaries you might need. These will vary with every coupling and can change for a couple over time. Are you okay with your partner having oral sex with another person? What about penetrative sex? Will all three of you engage in sexual activities? What about initiating the play? What methods of safer sex will you use, if any?

There are a ton of questions to ask and think about prior to setting up your date. I have included a list of possible questions to talk about at the end of this post.

Also, if this is your first threesome with someone, the sex might not be fantastic. Some people have great chemistry in bed early on in a relationship. Some people need time to warm up. You know your own style. You may know or may not know the style of your other two partners. Think about what happens is the sparks don’t fly. Or if the sparks fly between the other parties but not you. How will you deal with that.

The Third Person

Once you and your primary partner have chosen a third person you will want to engage with, approach that person. You may want to have one of you go out on a date with the third party and bring up the subject. You may know the third person well enough to set it up over text of a phone call. You may be searching for the third party online or looking at hiring a professional.

Make your intentions clear. Hinting around the topic in vague and uncertain terms can lead to mixed signals. At some point you are going to have to say, “Would you like to sleep with me and so-and-so in a threesome” or something to that effect. If you never come out and clearly state your intentions eventually you (and possibly your partner) will simply come off a creepy.

Make sure you indicate if this is just a one-time thing, if you are looking to make an emotional connection as well, if you want an on-going relationship of some kind with the third party, or if you simply got a great referral for a pro and need to set up a night.

The third person is a real person with real feelings. Too often folks looking to explore polyamory as a couple will look for their “unicorn” and the obsession of getting their perfect bisexual woman becomes the nasty habit of unicorn hunting. The problems with unicorn hunting are many and I have said much more in this post.

The Night

So you have found your perfect third person! You have set a time and location. Cool beans. Now you need to get ready.

Depending on the situation and location, you will need to consider some or all of the following:

  1. Do you need to get STI tests prior to the hook-up? If so, you will need to do that at least four days prior to the date.

  2. If you are hosting, do you have clean sheets and towels? Nobody wants your first sexy night together to be shared on sheets filled with cat hair.

  3. Shower, shit and shave. Basically, make sure you take car-e of basic grooming and prep.

  4. Got condoms (or other safer sex stuff)? Make sure you have the necessary safer s