Humiliation is something that most people avoid if at all possible. Many of us have had that moment at work or with friends where something is said about or to us, we cringe, blush and want to shrink into a corner or out of the room. It can be a horrible feeling. Often when we are humiliated we want to avoid the person that brought about the humiliation. Many times, when we are humiliated, we respond with anger.
I have had deeply embarrassing things happen at work and in personal relationships. The incidents continue to sting and cause emotional pain long after they occur. I have had humiliating things occur and remain angry with the instigator long after the actual incident is over.
I don’t believe myself to be particularly prideful or overly tied to maintaining a specific image of myself in public or with friends, but I am still subject to the angry and embarrassment that comes with being humiliated. This is why, when I started engaging with a D-type who uses humiliation in play I was deeply surprised that I liked it.
In kink, humiliation play involved a D-type putting the submissive into a situation or using language which demeans and embarrasses them. For years, like 20 years, I hated this type of play. I needed to know my partners respected me. Being called names or demeaned during play was intolerable. It wasn’t a dislike for me, it was fully red.
Then something changed. When I reached my late-30s I became much more self-assured and comfortable in my own skin. The insecurities of youth began to disappear (one of the few things I really enjoy about aging). I got to know myself better and be okay with who I was as a person. Things that were deeply embarrassing in my 20’s did not bother me nearly as much two decades later.
The other thing was that I began playing with a D-type that I had a lot of respect for and who also respected me. I like my dynamic with this man. We are not a couple but we do play together on a regular basis. When we are not playing, we have a dynamic where we are equals in a lot of ways. It also helps that he is a bit older than me and I find him ridiculously attractive physically.
Initially, the humiliation was light. He would call me a few dirty names that went a bit beyond your average bedroom chatter. Lots of people incorporate dirty talk into their sex play. Being called a slut is not uncommon for most women during sex. This went well beyond that.
Over time, the name calling during a scene increased, being asked to do positions and activities that were a bit degrading was incorporated, and certain fetish acts that are definitely in the degradation spectrum (specifically water sports) were incorporated. Honestly, I was a bit reticent to try some of these things. However, our dynamic allowed me to do this and I found I really enjoyed it.
Today, we will begin our foreplay well before he ever shows up at my place. We exchange text messages like, “You want to be my dirty little whore today?” and “I am going to cum all over that slutty fucking mouth of yours.” In other relationships this would have been a big turn off. With this guy, however, I can hear his voice and see his smile with these texts and it gets my engines running.
I think a big part of why I enjoy this type of play with him so much is that he really enjoys it. I have never had a partner who smiles more and reacts so positively to our play time. When we play, I live for the moment after he climaxes where his whole body will shudder, he lets out a whoop, and smiles. Its fantastic! It is this type of reaction (or his applause after a particularly good blow job) that makes our play so much fun for me.
What all this comes down to for me is that it is a combination of respect, mutual enjoyment, and his utter delight in our play that makes the humiliation fun. Without all of those components I don’t think I would be able to engage in humiliation. I know if I do not trust that my partner respects me I cannot do humiliation play. If it seems to be a burden or coming from a cruel place it does not work for me.
I know our sessions can be difficult to understand and watch from the outside. We played one night when I did not know my roommate was home (I thought he was out on a date). The next morning when I saw my roommate, he was definitely shaken by what he had heard. While he understood I was into kink, I know he was not prepared to listen to me take a barrage of dirty insults and get pissed on as part of sex. And say, “Thank you Sir,” throughout.
However, this is not for public viewing, Our play is in private between us (except when my roommate is sleeping behind a large pile of laundry and I do not see him when I shut his door at one in the morning).
This type of play has helped me realize how utterly important two things are in a sexual relationship: respect and enjoyment. I have to be with someone who actually respects me. I also have to be with someone who takes great pleasure in their engagement with me. If a D-type finds certain types of play to be burdensome or always serious, it diminishes my enjoyment. Kink should be fun. Kink should make you smile. The fact that this D-type clearly enjoys his work has made all the difference.