How to NOT Interview a Kinkster:Real Answers to Lazy Vanilla Reporter Quesions

Now that I have been doing interviews with mainstream media folks about kink and non-monogamy, I am learning there are some pretty standard questions. Like any professional artist (writer/musician/visual artist/comedian) I grow weary of the repetitive nature of these interviews and the lack of research by many reporters.

Below are my real answers to the standard questions and what I actually say. Kinky people who talk about their lives with others will probably relate.

  1. You practice non-monogamy. Do you ever get jealous?

What I generally say: Occasionally, yes. But most of the time things are good with my partners and me.

What I want to say: Occasionally, yes. But unlike the jealousy that arises in monogamous couples, mine does not stem for a belief that I somehow own my partner. Most of the time there are roots in my own insecurities or current life circumstances that drive a need to be with a partner and have more attention from them than I usually do and the inability to get that creates a projection onto another person which then becomes feeling of jealousy. And, unlike monogamous couples where jealousy is seen as normal and a sign of deep love and attachment, I tend to view it as the manifestation of something missing in my life in general. I understand that it is rarely as simply as a partner not spending enough time with me.

  1. You talk about being into BDSM. Can you tell me what that means?

What I generally say: BDSM is an acronym for Bondage Dominance SadoMasochism. It is a shorthand term used to indicate a wide variety of relationship dynamics and sexualized play. It can encompass people engaging in a Dominant/submissive dynamic psychologically and generally includes people involved in a wide range of fetish behavior.

What I want to say: Really fucker? You didn’t Google that or put it into your Urban Dictionary app before talking to me. Lazy shithead.

What is the kinkiest thing you have ever done?

What I generally say: I have tried a lot of things people think of as “kinky.” I have enjoyed some. Others I have disliked. I don’t go into details.

What I want to say: My sexual history would melt your brain. There would be a moment like the one in Indiana Jones where your face melts off at the mere description of my weekend. And I am not going to sleep with you, so it’s none of your fucking business.

  1. Do you have lots of partners?

What I generally say:  It depends on what you would define as “a lot.” And are we talking lifetime numbers, current, consecutive, and so on.

What I want to say: More than a virgin, less than most porn stars. And why does this matter to anyone I am not dating?

You must have sex all the time!

What I generally say: Statistically, married people have sex about once a week. Single people have sex about twice a month. So, statistically, I am above average. But like everyone, there are times I want to have sex and times I just want to lie on the couch and watch a bad movie.

What I want to say: Like every other person in the world, this fluctuates. There have been times I have had a lot of sex, and times I have had less sex. Realistically, I have way more sex that most people. But, I am also a lot better at it than most people. So, that seems right.

How did you get into kink/BDSM?

What I generally say: My first boyfriend bought me handcuffs and I found I like to get tied up. Then I found the LGBT community and met diverse people.

What I want to say: I did not “get into” kink – kink has always been a part of who I am. My Barbie left Ken in the Dreamhouse and went on dates with Darth Vader. He was a much more suitable partner for her and her big tits than smooth-crotch Ken.

What is a dungeon? You mean we have those in this town?

What I generally say: These are community spaces in most towns where kinky people meet to socialize. They often offer