Hooking Up


So I found the above meme last week on Facebook. I have shared it with a few dozen friends. Almost unanimously we laugh and identify strongly. At a recent dinner with a few close friends, the joke was, “Eight people? Yeah, I have had weekends like that.”

In my world, this statistic seems almost unbelievable. Its like my stoner friends don’t believe that people can make it to the age of thirty without having smoked pot a few times. Normal is all relative. (My relatives, however, are not normal.)

This meme, however, prompted me to address hook-up culture. Hook-up culture has developed in the last decade or two. We have moved as a culture from people who may have had a one-night stand or two to a society that has a large number of people who meet for sex and nothing more. Its not that this is brand new. Gay men in the 1970s and hippies in the 1960s are renowned for their sexual escapades. What is new is that hooking up has moved out of subcultures and is now pretty common with every group of single people.

When I went back out on the dating scene in 2011 the world had changed. The last time I dated was 1998. Texting was not really a thing then. Online dating was done from desktop computers. There was no “swipe right, swipe left.” As technology changed, so did dating.

The advent of Grindr, and its spin-offs Tindr, Blendr, Scruff, et al. have captured that change in dating culture. If you are unfamiliar with these apps, here are the basics. They are predominately used on smart phones. They are free dating apps. You upload a few photos, create a basic profile, answer a few questions and are in the dating pool in under ten minutes. The apps use your phone’s GPS software to locate you and your closest possible matches. You then choose to look at the people you are interested in (generally interest is based on their profile photo). Most of these apps have built in messaging software so you do not have to provide a match your real phone number. Many times, people arrange to meet with the intention of having sex and not necessarily ever seeing the person again.

I have no problem with sex for sex sake. I have no problem with people having lots of partners. What I dislike about hook-up culture is that it devalues people and devalues sex. I believe there are ways to still have lots of sex with lots of people but change the interaction from simply transactional to one that is actually a caring and positive experience for both parties.

Transactional Sex

I have been told I embody the “woo” aspect of BDSM. I experience my D/s relationships and BDSM play as transformative. It is core to who I am and I really do believe that people can grow as humans and partners if they embrace some core aspects of BDSM. I don’t have transactional sex.

So, what do I mean by “transactional sex?” T-sex, as I will abbreviate it, is sex for sex sake. It is the sex you have with someone that is devoid of emotion or value. Is it sex with someone you have no connection with and you have sex because you are killing time, want to get off, or just plain bored. There is little value in this sex. Most people who have transactional sex would probably not engage in it if there were better Netflix suggestions or if they could fall asleep. People walk away from these encounters without having needs fulfilled.

When people engage in t-sex, they are not seeing the other person as a person of value. The other party is simply there as a stunt-dick or stunt-pussy. They are a glorified vibrator or fleshlight. There is no value to them as a person, there is no recognition that they have needs and emotions, there is no discussion about what they are really seeking through sex.

I take issue with this type of sex because everyone has value. Everyone has emotions and needs. Everyone is seeking something. T-sex fails to recognize this and fails to meet any core needs.

One-Night Stands

I know you can have a sexual encounter with a person one time, and one time only, and still make it a valuable experience and not transactional. For me, kink culture has made clear that there are a few things anyone can do if they want a one-night stand that still creates values for the parties involved.

Most people have sex because they are seeking some type of connection or validation. I know a ton of people (especially men) who have sex with multiple partners because they feel this gives them value. As a corollary, the more attractive the partner, the more value they associate with the sex. Transactional sex will give them some brief feeling of value, but they continue their quest because ultimately they are unfulfilled by these transactions.

Most of us feel isolated, alone, and devalued. I am hard pressed to find people who’s base emotion is that they are incredibly valuable, loved, and supported all the time. We seek out sex as a way to make these feelings go away, at least for a short period of time. Transactional sex does not address these needs. Instead, people often leave t-sex encounters feeling the same or worse than before they engaged in them.

The first step to moving beyond t-sex is to recognize that your partner(s) are coming into the engagement with a desire for some sort of connection. This may not be a love connection or a connection they wish to continue for more than the time they are with you, but they are seeking something that validates they are a person of worth. To move beyond t-sex, you need to see some worth in your partner(s).

It used to really bother me that I could have sex with a guy for the first time and in the middle of the encounter, he would start saying things like, “I want you to me my girl,” “You are amazing and I want this forever,” and “I lov