Fantasy Versus Reality

Copyright Eddy-Shinjuku. All rights reserved.

Copyright Eddy-Shinjuku. All rights reserved.

I have the great pleasure of talking to lots of people about their fantasies. Some of this comes from working on my next book and interviewing people about things like rape fantasies and race play. Most of the time it is people who are familiar with my work talking to me about their personal fantasies. I always consider it an honor to talk to people about what they fantasize about.

Recently, I have been thinking a lot about how fantasy shapes our sexuality. As a corollary, how the reality of sex interacts with our fantasies to shape our self image, desire and satisfaction. What I want to focus on in this post is when fantasy and reality collide.

Fantasies Are the Primary Sex Act for All of Us

Fantasy occupies a larger part of or sexuality than most people realize. If you think about all the time you spend fantasizing, seeking out porn that manifests your fantasies and setting up for a scene to play out your fantasies, it is a substantially larger portion of your sexual time than actually having sex.

Fantasy also shapes what we are willing to do in bed. Generally, the more ideas we are exposed too, the more likely we are to try a few things. A lot of people, as evidenced by the letters and calls to sex advice shows I listen too, have things they really want to try and fantasize about than they actually end up trying.

People take different approaches to manifesting their fantasies. From the discussions I have had, the preparation makes some difference. The more thoughtful and realistic the approach to living out a fantasy, the more likely people seem to be with getting satisfaction (at least from my sampling of interviewees). The other thing that seems to make a difference is having few expectations about the real experience.

I bring this up in a kink blog because I know a ton of people who have a BDSM fantasy but have never manifested it. People will read a book with some kink, or see someone tied up, or see a spanking scene and think it is really hot. It is not uncommon for all genders to fantasize about being tied up or tying someone up for sex. The big difference I have found between people who actually try kink and those who let it remain a fantasy seems to be perceptions of having a willing partner.

Fantasies and Other People

The reality of most fantasies it that they will ultimately involve at least one other person. Most of us don’t have solo fantasies. So, the first step to successfully trying a fantasy is to find a willing partner.

I have had dozens of people approach me in person and on the internet and ask if I can help make their kink fantasy a reality. Most of these individuals are actually partnered. They don’t believe their current partner will be receptive to their fantasy so they are seeking out someone who they believe can help them live out what has been in their head.

This approach (at least with me) generally leads to disappointment. I don’t condone cheating and secrecy in relationships. I am all for ethical non-monogamy but if you are stepping out on someone without previously establishing that is okay with them, I am not going to be game. So I end up disappointing a lot of people.

The thing that most people don’t understand is that their current partners may actually be game to help them carry out a fantasy. There is a fear of rejection that comes with having to ask someone to do something you have been told is weird or different. My advice is always, talk to your partner. Tell them WHY you have this fantasy and what you hope to get out of trying it. Be honest about your needs. They may be game, they may not.

Second, be willing to negotiate with your partner. For example, if you really want to try a threesome, let your partner know. Your fantasy may involve another person you and your partner already know. However, your partner may only be game if the third party is not in your social circle and you won’t run into them at the local PTA meeting. You may have to tweak the details of your fantasy to get it to happen. But, if a few tweaks mean you can experience what you want without having to lie or step out on your partner, you are better off.

You may also be able to negotiate a “pass” with your partner. I know a lot of monogamous couples who have run into the issue of one party desiring something the other simply cannot deliver. One option to this is to figure out if it is okay with both people if one party seeks out a third person to live out their fantasy. I have lost count of the monogamous couples I know who experience an affair. Universally, their comments are “It wasn’t the actual sex I had an issue with, it was the lying and betrayal.” If your fantasy is important to you, negotiate with your partner.

For people seeking out someone to live out a fantasy with, keep in mind that person is a human being. I say this as someone who is fetishized a lot. I am tall (6 feet), have large breasts, and very fair skinned and in my 40s.  These are all things that get fetishized. There are plenty of people who “want to fuck a tall girl” or “a big girl” or a “MILF” or whatever. What ends up happening is that the person sees only the characteristic they are fantasizing about and forget that there is an actual person here. I have people ask me way too often to do stuff that is not okay with me. When I turn them down, the common response is, “Come on. I really want to fuck a [insert fetishized characteristic]. Can’t you help me out?” No, I can’t. I am more than a single physical characteristic. You have to treat people as human beings.