One of the things I have always loved about BDSM and kink is the value it puts on play. Kinky folks call all the different activities we do a form of play: impact play, fire play, electric play, and so on. While our relationships are serious and often very structured, many kinky folks have a deep respect for play.
Because I had the luck and joy of connecting with the kinky world shortly after I hit puberty it took me a long time to realize how many adults take sex deadly seriously. Sex for many, many people is treated like some sort of competition or something to be perfected. Laughing, being silly, or just goofing off is treated as somehow antithetical to sex.
Honestly though, sex is hella goofy! Sure, some can be serious. Some can be deep moments of intimacy. But so much sex is just fun and downright funny. And we need to respect the fun in sex.
I had a partner years back. He fancied himself some great D-O-M. He was mostly using the title to be an excuse to be a dick. I was young, I was newer to kink, I didn’t see this immediately. He had a daddy fetish in that he desperately wanted all his partners to call him daddy. This isn’t my thing. I find it off-putting as the last person I want to conjure up during sex is my father but hey, in the name of being a good sub, I would try it.
One day we were fucking. He was going all in, trying to to the deep, fast thrusting thing. Yelling “call me Daddy you little slut!” Vein bulging between his brows, he thrust his hips hard, I heard my bed frame crack, we fell to the floor and I burst out laughing. As he lay on his back on top of a broken bed, bald head covered in beads of sweat, hard-on beginning to look like the leaning tower of Pisa, I couldn’t stop cracking up. He was deeply offended that I found any humor in this. I was confused how he could not.
We broke up less than two months after that incident.
Injecting play and humor into your sex life can liven it up and keep you going. There is no reason to take every sexual encounter seriously. In fact, making every intimate exchange serious takes the fun and pleasure out of it. When sex is always high stakes and serious, you are going to not want to do it when you are not rested or not in the best of moods, or haven’t showered and shaved in two day.
Think about that friend you have who always wants to talk about how to reform America and solve the world’s problems when you go out. Sure, they may be great to talk to at times and have brilliant ideas. But there are plenty of nights where you will turn down an invitation because you just don’t have the energy to listen to them go on about the plight of the homeless or the problem with an all-out ban on single use plastics. If sex is always serious, it is like your overly political friend with no sense of humor.
So, if you are one of those millions and millions of people who see sex as serious how do you start to inject a little play and fun into your world? Well, dear reader, I have a few suggestions below.
Pervert Board Games
Most of us have some board game laying around the house. If you don’t your local Target or Wal-Mart or any mega store will have a bunch (as well as many of your favorite online retailers). Chose a game you used to enjoy playing. It is helpful to start with one you have fond memories of and one that doesn’t take all night to play.
Next, create a sexy rule or two that fits with the game. Here are a bunch of suggestions but feel free to create your own rules that fit your personality.
Operation: Every time your partner fails to remove a piece from the board without buzzing, you get to tell them to do something sexy (and vice versa). For instance, you can ask for a kiss or make them take off a piece of clothing.
Sorry! Every time a player gets sent back with a “sorry” move, they have to take off clothing. Once their clothing is gone, they have to kiss another player and cannot repeat a kiss on the same body part.
Uno! Every time a player plays a Draw 4 card, they can reduce the number of cards they have to draw by stripping. For example, if they take off both socks, then they only have to draw two cards.
Game of Life: Every time a player gets a “child” they must describe the sexual situation that lead to the “pregnancy.”
Trivial Pursuit: Every time a player fails to answer a question correctly in the game, the other player gets to ask them a sexually related question.
Twister: Do this naked (of course). Add sexy difficulty by lubing up a body part or two (though avoid hands and feet for safety reasons).
Darts: Place small pieces of paper in the spaces on the dart board. The winner of the game gets to collect the papers they hit and make up a sexy scenario.
Monopoly: Let’s be honest- only sadists enjoy this game. It makes the rest of us cry.
Commit to Something Other Than Orgasm
Most of us learn about sex in ways that place orgasms front and center as the “goal” of sex. This often leads to frustration (especially for people with vulvas) and a “nose to the grindstone” seriousness about getting to come. It also tends to make people who cannot climax or who take a long time to climax feel bad about their sexual capacities.
It can be very difficult to get people to change sexual behaviors away from making it all about the orgasm. I have found that even when I have talked to partners about needing to be less climax focused, admitting when I do not climax with them, and getting comfortable with sex being about something other than orgasm, it is still difficult to get minds to shift.
So… if you are the one committing to this, there are a few tricks that are incumbent on you. First, you have to break up the routine. Many people have a sex trajectory. Kissing to making out to sex to climax. They literally treat sex like baseball. Once you have passed second base you go on to third. If you try to go back to second someone yells at you that you are going the wrong way!
But sex isn’t baseball. You can hit third base before first, return to first base all night long, pass home and round the bases again. Any combination of bases and even visiting the outfield and concession stand during a game is totally acceptable. Breaking up the sex trajectory will often throw a partner out of their expected rhythm. It may take some coaching to get them to loosen their flow. Ultimately though it can make sex less goal oriented and add more fun to your intimate encounters.
Talk and Add Jokes
Many of us get all serious when we are about to get intimate. Talk goes from relaxed and free flowing conversation to stilted bursts of, “How does this feel,” “To the left,” and “You are on my hair.” We lose our capacity to make rational, fun adult conversation when we take our clothes off.
It takes practice to talk while initiating sex. But… once you get it down it can be a ton of fun! Now I love saying dumb and silly things to get partners in the mood.
Try Word Play
I’m a writer and nerd-adjacent so I like to make nerd jokes before sex. A couple of weeks ago my partner and I were laying in bed. We were talking about a recent podcast we had worked on where a lot of folks had talked about Star Trek. I started kissing him on the chest and shoulders as we talked. Eventually I said, “Hey, should I put on a red shirt, you can set your phaser to stun, and blast me before we have to leave to do laundry?” The bad joke worked to get his drawers off.
Pretty much anything that will make you and your partner laugh can be used to relax both of you and make both people more amenable to sex. Laughter releases happy hormones and loosens our bodies. It is a great way to get people more open to sex (I say this with authority as a performing comic… comics are awesome fluffers).
Introducing play and fun into your sex life will vastly improve it. Making it less serious and less high stakes takes the pressure off to perform all the time. You can still have the sexy, romantic nights. You can still have deep intimacy with a partner. You don’t have to laugh 100 percent of the time. But enjoy loosing up and having some fun with your sex.