Want to have amazing sex, and I mean mind-blowingly good sex? Want your partners to think you are the best they have ever had? Want to walk away from any sexual encounter feeling better than you did before you had it? Want to make everyone you sleep with feel special and important? Want to be deeply satisfied? Then I have a sex tip for you.
I actually learned the secret to consistently amazing sex not, surprisingly, through reading about sex or relationships. I learned it in yoga class. No, you don’t have to be able to put your heels behind your head or achieve a full back bend. It is also not sleeping with your yoga instructor. You don’t have to be flexible, or strong, or thin.
The key to great sex is to be present.
The Power of Now
Ekhart Tolle released a book called The Power of Now. The crux of the book is that to have peace in your life and to be able to cope effectively, you need to be centered in the here and now. It sounds simple, but the practice can be very difficult. When you can achieve being fully present, it changes your world. Friends of my refer to the practices set forth in the book as “Jedi mind tricks” because of the power contained in their practice.
In yoga, you being your practice by centering yourself and breathing. You connect and focus on your breath. Start with slow, deep inhalations. Inhale and count to six. Pause. Exhale for five. Repeat. In through the nose, out through gently parted lips. Most yoga classes will start with simple breathing for several minutes to allow people to gain the focus they need and let the world fall away.
Focusing on just your breath, the simple inhalation-exhalation cycle, allows the rest of the world to fall away. You begin to feel your body in a new way. You become aware of your toes, feet, ankles, calves, knees, thighs, hips, back, belly, chest, neck and head. Try it. Sit quietly where ever you are reading this and breath in and out slowly. Pay attention to your body and forget about the surrounding distractions. As you do this, your body feels like it gains new life.
In yoga and in meditation practice, the idea is to keep your thoughts on your breathing and let the world fall away. You stop thinking about things like bills you have to pay, your errand list, what you are going to feed the kids for dinner, and the crappy thing your co-worker said to you in the break room. You calm your thoughts and as you do that, you calm your body. In yoga, you can engage in difficult positions and move through sun salutations all the while focusing on your breath.
People who practice yoga and mediation regularly (that includes me) report feeling happier and more at peace after they have engaged in their practice. Even a simple 15 minute mediation once a day can help people focus, become more clear in their thoughts, and more able to deal with stress. There are an increasing number of peer reviewed academic studies showing that regular meditation changes the brain and helps people cope with mental illnesses. There is power in being present.
Being In the Moment and Sex
Being fully present during a sexual encounter will change your encounter. If you can reach the point where you can focus only on what is currently happening, who it is happening with, and let the rest of your world and concerns fall away, sex becomes amazing and powerful.
It will make a difference not only for you but for your partners. Most of us have a running dialogue in our heads. Mine mainly consists of my tasks lists, composing new writing, and figuring out how I am going to pay bills next month. These running thoughts occupy our day and keep us from being fully present in any given moment. Even when we are paying some attention to our outside world and interacting with it, most people have a second (or third or fourth) line of thought going on internally.
We don’t normally notice that other people are disengaged with us. They will nod and respond to conversations all the while missing significant parts of the communication because they are partially paying attention to the thoughts in their head. It is only when you have been with someone fully present you notice a difference.
People think I have an amazing memory and read social cues well. The fact it, my memory is pretty average. The difference is, when I engage in conversations I am fully present. I actually hear what people say and watch their body language. It is not some inherent gift I have. It is a dedication to being present for others.
In sex, it is the same thing. During a sexual encounter, I am fully in the moment. I don’t have distracting thoughts. I can listen to my breathing, my partner’s breathing, any words or exclamations, feel my full body and theirs. I am not worried about getting to an appointment or finishing before Real Dance Mom Horders of Beverly Hills comes on. I am not making a grocery list or composing my next blog entry. I am not texting or posting to Facebook. I am there with my partner, for my partner, engaging in one single thing. You can’t multitask and be good in bed at the same time.
How Do You Get Present
This is actually really hard for a lot of people. We are occupied by the myriad of things going on in our lives. We all have worries, concerns, and obligations that creep in regardless of what we do. It takes practice to be able to be fully present. Below are a few basic tips.
1. Commit to being present.
You do not accidentally become present. You have to make the active decision that you are going to focus on the moment and live in the now. This means recognizing that when distracting thoughts come in, you let them float by and refocus. Some thoughts may need to be consciously acknowledge. If, for instance, you are having a nooner, you may glance at the clock to note the time. You can do this, then refocus on your partner. If you start thinking, “Oh no! I have to finish in 10 minutes,” and then become obsessed with the time you wi